Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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