so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
