Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
