I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
