every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
