when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
This is classic penis vs brain.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
