I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
