how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
