I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
