someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
