I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
