think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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