I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Less talking, more tequila
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
