Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize