she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
