Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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