The maid of honor just puked.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
