If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize