i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize