k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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