He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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