I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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