I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
