Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dicks are not precious.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
