If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
