Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
