I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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