btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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