i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's on the porch naked. Help.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
