Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
