I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My ass is underappreciated
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
