Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
