How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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