True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
