Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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