It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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