If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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