Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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