I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
