My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
