i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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