what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
