glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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