broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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