Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Two words: nipple clamps
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