I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
