I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
