I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
babies were throwing up all over the place
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
