Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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