I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
