Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
