Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
