$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
