So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
