but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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