If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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