thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
