I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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